and speaking of putin,by the way, earlier this week during a pressconference at the kremlin, the russian president finallycommented on the unfounded and scandalous rumorsof donald trump paying for golden showersfrom russian prostitutes. (speaking russian) putin (translated):did trump really come and meetwith moscow prostitutes? first, he is an adult.
and second, he is a person who,for many years, has organized a beauty pageant, socialized with the mostbeautiful women in the world. it is hard to believethat he ran to a hotel to meet with our girlsof a low social class, although they are the bestin the world. (laughter) hashtag, humble brag! that's such a strange thingto end off on.
i mean, i don't blame putin,to be honest. when you're in russia, you got to take national pridewhere you can get it. 'cause, i mean, think about it. obama is all over there,the tv, like, "america has the world'snumber one economy, "number one military, and top innovatorsin tech and science." and then putin's like, "we haveworld's best prostitutes!"
we also have bearwho knows gymnastics. but you know what...you know what the truth is? it's actually a great timeto be vladimir putin right now. because for a long time, nobodywas even thinking about russia. but now he's got usplaying his game. we're all obsessed with russia. because with all the hackingand the e-mails, it seems like russia is the sinister forcebehind everything.
for instance, did you guys see what happened on c-spanthe other day? in the middle of congresswomanwaters' speech about russia, the feed suddenly cutto russian tv. now, i mean, look, if thatwas just a one-off thing, it could be a mistakeor a stupid internet prank, but then how do you explainthat on the very same day... this happened? it was a weird dayon capitol hill.
you know,during the pompeo hearing, they were talkingabout russian influence, and then suddenly the lightswent out in the hearing room. the intelligence committee'sassessment that russia, at the direction... newsman: and just hours later, this happened on msnbc. whatever the russians mayhave intended with their hacking has made it much more difficultto get to where they want.
there's now a big impediment. when you heargeneral mattis today, mike pompeo, the cia director, almost swearing thatthey're gonna be hard-liners (repeating): on russ...on russ... on russ... on russ... on russ... on russ... on russ...on russ... on russ... on russ... on russ... on russ...on russ... on russ... on russ... on russ...on russ... on russ... on russ... what the (bleeping).
i mean, they may be underminingamerica's democracy, but at least you can danceto the beat, you know? -(dance beat playing)-it's just got that thing. ♪ ♪ ♪ nipples ♪ ♪ nipples. ♪ i feel like thosewould be the lyrics. anyway... look, look... is russiainfiltrating america's networks? maybe, but probably not. i think what's happeningis that the people are anxious
that tomorrowamerica's committing to a man who may be in cahootswith russia. and nobody knows.this is one of those situations where you wishyou could protect yourself. like, wouldn't it be coolif america could sign a prenup with donald trump? yeah, well, we thought it would be cool, and we thought it would looka little something like this. now, miss states--i'm-i'm sorry,
may i call you america? great. now, i knowthat you and mr. trump are in the honeymoon phase,and it seems like this thing is gonna last forever. either way, having a prenup isthe smart thing to do. so let's start with the basics.first off, it seems like mr. trump is...into the relationship now, but we all know that he's gota side thing with russia, so if he hooks up with putin,it's gonna cost him.
and we're talking ivana money. none of this marla (bleep). secondly, he must consummatehis relationship with the media at least once a year, inthe form of a press conference of satisfactory lengthand breadth. uh, ba-ba... ooh. you get to keep the white house,but he's insisting on full custodyof paul ryan's balls. supervised visits only.
and you geta billion-dollar bonus if you elect himto a second term. (groans) sorry i'm late.i was waiting for a handicapped spotto open up. those guys take forever to move. -this is mr. trump's lawyer.-not a lawyer. lawyers are scum. -no offense, scumbag.-none taken. so, i have gonethrough your proposal-- sad--
and we havesome demands ourselves. say no to everything untilwe have time to discuss it. first, mr. trump is unhappywith america's signs of aging. -mm.-droopy roads, sagging bridges. so we ask that americaconsent and fund any kind of cosmetic enhancementmr. trump deems necessary. okay, look,you are a beautiful country. it's just a matterof maintaining. oh, yes. we requestcomplete deforestation.
mr. trump likes to keep thingsnice and smooth. okay, she can keep a patch. trust me, you don't wantto look bald from space. and... just a name change.daylight savings will now become the trump power hour. -fine. -and other than that,it's all pretty basic stuff. you have health care, the wall, and... you do consentto doing pee stuff. -but only in the shower.-and the rose garden.
and the squirrels can't watch. oh, come on,that's the whole point. oh, one little tiny thing.uh, right here. oh, "by signing,you hereby agree "that none of the clauses hereinare binding and mr. trump can do whateverhe wants without consequences." okay, so now we just need...your john hancock. just remember--you don't have to do this. yes, you do. we won.
yeah, i guessyou did kind of ask for it. oh, one final thing.you're now: mrs. united states of trump. -("hail to the chief" playing)-i'll help you.
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